i have been to spain and back

i have been to spain, joseph is home
i have moved into the dorms to start my summer with my amazing job as student director of orientation.

on friday i will have jumped a hurdle. i will have been in a solid committed relationship for one year. this is important to me.

i want something special. that is all... i dont want the moon. i want something simple and special.

i have love, i need nothing more.. i must learn life like this.

where do you draw the line

what keeps you from crying at night? what fights back the tears that you cant help but cry.

i cant sleep. there is so much on my mind. to be so frustrated, helpless, lost and lonely at the same time is torture.

i lay here, staring at my fan, watching it go around with these thoughts in my head... they are scary. thoughts from every direction. where do you draw the line.

when youre a fool in love... where do you draw the line. what is real and what is story book.

i know im making the right choice.. now prove me right.

perfect is as perfect does

no one is perfect. no one is born with the innate ability to do everything up to standard or up to par. Everything we do in life is a learning experience. i am not advertising that life should be full of learning curve excuses, however i am not saying everything must be at top standard from day one.
i am not a perfect person, i am not a perfect girlfriend. however i am in love. perfect is as perfect does. the word perfect can only be used when it is used as a striving method. the simple fact that someone is striving (not trying.. but STRIVING)... the concept of someone striving for something that is important for something else makes that individual perfect. perfect is as perfect does.
a perfect relationship doesn't happen over night.. (yes you first have to have a relationship worth striving for first) i strongly believe anything significant is worth working for. there are limitations however. it is pointless to work for something with no hope of accomplishing anything.
Doesn't a exam grade feel more satisfying when you studied for it, doesn't a project that you put blood sweat and tears into give you more satisfaction?... if not then i am living in a strange strange world.

however i must interrupt this semi pensive blog with the disclaimer that i am currently watching the bachelor and i believe this is the wrong environment to be venting on such a topic of perfection.... but since i have no filter i will continue to expand my thoughts on perfection in a relationship.

i live in my fairy tale... i am a princess. however a good princess and future ruler of her country has the ability to realize there are other people in the country that depend on her. there are other parts of the puzzle that must fit together perfectly for everyone to see the finished product. this is a puzzle she cannot put together alone, no should she ever have to. if a princess only focuses on one piece of a puzzle it will never be completed.. if we focus on only one facet of a relationship (or anything for that matter)... then it will never be completed. however a princesses puzzle can only be completed with the help of a prince.

one final thought for tonight;
striving to be perfect is perfection.
striving for perfection in the arms of the one you love, for the one you love, with the one you love... priceless....

look beyond the mirror

lets take a minute and put away the obvious.. and take a closer look at a different page for a night.

how can you expect something that you dont give. as i am learning in my current hdfs class... before you can expect respect from anyone, you must show you are worthy to receive it .. you do this.. by giving it.....
take this one step further to love, friendships... and i am not even talking about romantic relationships right this moment.

take a friendship.. in its simplest form.... how can you expect something with no intentions to return it... how do you expect someone to go out of their way for you.. when you only have the soul interest of making them unhappy in the long run. just like you tell me "you cant be in a one sided relationship".... well you know what... i am learning i cannot be in a one sided friendship either.

some people are saying that this semester is going to open my eyes about my long distance relationship... but hey you know what it is truly doing.. opening my eyes to those other relationships i should remove myself from. yes i may not have the time, effort or energy to handle this long distance relationship the most effective way.. but hey guess what!! you are doing the same fucking thing.. and you know what.. it is worse coming from you. maybe you should take a moment and get your nose out of my business and focus on our business.

yes i agree we all have moments/days when the world revolves around us.. i am not denying that... however in order to have the privilege of acting that way and not coming off as a bitch... you have to remember.. you are not the only one this planet. you are not the only one with bad days.. and you know what else.. you are not the only one with good days. its not that hard to be happy for someone who is "your best friend"... it really doesnt take much effort....

i am realizing i have been walked over way too many times in my life.. and not just by boys... but by friends that i really thought i could count on.. but when it came down to the nitty gritty... those certain friends only had THEIR interest in mind... that is not a friend. i am done going out of my way for some people... believe you me there are a few people in my life that i would lay down in front of a bus for... and those are the relationships i want to surround myself with..

it boggles my mind how someone can be so selfish.. so self involved... so rude... everyone has their day... but i refuse to just be around for your enjoyment at times when only you deem reasonable.

however these situations in my life have given me the privilege of building relationships with those who really care. even those who i least expected. this semester has opened my eyes to friendships i didnt even realize where there.. those 2 girls who run up to me in the sub arms flying just to give me a hug because they know how much i love seeing them.. and now matter how crazy i get they STILL somehow manage to wanna hear about it. or coworkers. or that girl who is probably my long lost sister who lets me talk as much as i listen, the same girl who no matter how pissed we are at the world at that moment.. still makes me smile. or developing friendships with that one person who will listen intently to you vent and vent and somehow manage to convince me that i am only semi crazy. a snow bank. the best friend who is 500 miles away.... who i would kill to have up here at this moment... or that crazy girl who manages to pop in at the perfect time to put a smile on my face... what about that girl who i hardly knew who somehow i am counting down the days till i see her again.. or possibly the most important relationship... my sister... i cant get over how amazing it is to have someone like that around me.

this blog is more then just a high school girl feeling left out. this is about realizing what is really important in my life.

i am doing some much needed cleaning out with my life.... i have let people go in my life that i really shouldnt of... i have also kept people around that just brought me down.

i am not saying i am perfect in any way shape or form. i am saying there are two sides to every coin... yes i appreciate honest opinions, and i understand there will be disagreements.... yet at least i understand my schedule and agenda is not the only one in the world. i know what it means to sacrifice. i just need to learn who to sacrifice for.

a cluttered mind

this weather is not so wonderful. it is cold damp and dreary.... not going to bring down my excitement about tomorrow.. its MY time... i get actual experience with the one thing that brings me ultimate joy.. my passion. MINE. i am not only looking forward to everything i actually get to teach the students i will be working with, but i am so anxious to see what they have to teach me as well. how i interact with them will shape the type of teacher i will be. i am so lucky to not only have the age group i have the most interest in, but i am also going to be at my dream location.

its these peeks in my schedule that continue to push my drive. yes this semester is on the verge of getting away from me, but i know i have the power to do everything to my best ability. every day i get more stuff piled on at work i love it more and more. i look forward to the interactions and surprises tomorrow brings. on top of that im tackling 19 hours of class... including labs and field placement.

this semester is opening my eyes. not only to the obvious situations but to the hidden ones as well... different sides of people begin to show under these conditions. the people you least expected to shine are the ones who pull out the best in you, and the ones you were looking forward to counting on may lead you with faulty hope. not only is this semester a very important one, its also priming me for what is to come... a summer full of my responsibilities and the entire roc's hard work.... my senior year of theta recruitment, a fall semester of block 3 and lab 2, separating different relationships and preparations to start a new chapter of my life... january 2011 is make it time. that is in the future, i need to focus on tomorrow and what the short term holds to build the solid foundation i need to start my career on.
the relationship aspect is not what you may be thinking (however that hopefully will work itself out) its relationships with those who are close to you, those who appreciate being close to you, and those who will never admit to anything. those who strive to be there for you because you are there for them, those who love to talk and love to listen, and those who dont really understand. my doors are opening to many new relationships, i have the privilege of working with 2 other co-directors, i truly enjoy working with them and look forward to the summer ahead of us. i have been blessed to have a new roommate move into my house who understands me on a totally new level, and whom i enjoy coming home to.

these next months are going to be swamping though... hopefully if the weather clears up directors road trip to work on secret mission stuff tomorrow afternoon! preparing for group process for all of the applicants, planning a valentines day for someone 5140 miles away from me, two weeks of RRO interviews, going to kansas city for a NODA directors conference, then the roc retreat, and 5 days after the retreat i am heading to spain for a lovely spanish vacation!

i am stoked about tomorrow.. but you know me... ill be up all night thinking about it.
wish me luck

who's best interest...

after an evening of canes, ncaa football 10, falling asleep in front of the Grammys emotions, winston and my electric blanket some things have entered my mind.... but front and center is the concept of "whos best interest"... whos best interest do you do what you do, whos best interest do you do what you do for who you love... who do you love?

i wake up at 8 on the weekends to feed/walk winston..... whos best interest??? Yes if i wait and not feed him he will go hungry, and probably make a mess in my room.... walking him is in his best interest yet is it to my benefit... it is okay to do something for yourself even when it benefits someone. its okay to do something for someone you love, even if it is not in your best interest.... did you know it is even okay to do something for someone you love if it doesnt benefit anyone directly and only puts a smile on their face.

it doesnt benefit me directly to lay with winston on the floor, roll around with him and play... actually it makes me tired and dirty.... yet the fact that winston receives the benefit, and joy makes it worth while.. yes he would be totally okay with out it, and most likely not think any different if i do it or not... yet the shear realization that i could make his mundane day brighten up for those 10 minutes is enough knowledge to push me to make time to make my doggie happy... yes winston is just a dog, and this story might blow right past certain people (some who need it the most).... yet it is something i think we should al reflect on....

who is the winston in your life.... what do you do that makes the one you love have that short burst of joy to remind them of your love and care for them.... what would you do to put a smile on the face of the one you love?????

for those of you who blow past this and think its just some girl stuck in a fantasy of "not going to happen".. ask yourself.... what does the one you love do for you??? does she take pictures for you, send you emails, watch shows you like, listen to music you like, or eat foods you love???? what does she do for you??? think harder. its there.

what about trust??? winston trusts me to open the door and let him out, he trusts when he comes back in after going potty he gets a biscuit, and on those days when im late coming home, or i feed him later then he wants, or he has to stay in the crate all day, i go out of my way to bring him with me or spend the rest of the evening with him to remind him that even though i let him down during the day, i still love him, im sorry and he can trust me.

no one is perfect all the time, what do you do for the one that is perfect for you.

yes i might just seem like a ranting bitch... however take a moment.. let it marinade.. who is the one you love, what do they do for you, what do you do for them.

i love you. goodnight.

to make me smile.

To watch someone experience the opportunity of a lifetime is a rewarding experience, to watch someone you love better themselves with unbelievable situations is amazing..... but to miss out on the one you love enjoying their life is a challenge. Not an impossible challenge, but a challenge all the same.

Its like they are still in reach, yet right out of your grasp, like no matter how hard you try, or the passion you have.. you always fall short. To blow your chance is a nightmare.

If you think communication within relationships is difficult.... You have no idea the strength and love you must have as a foundation to undergo the communication shift when the one who you tell everything to is 5,140 miles out of your reach.

Yes I rant, rave, brag, and bitch about everything.... however when I look at the bigger picture I see someone who has the opportunity to further his dream, a dream that he speaks so passionate of that he loses himself with in it (in a good way). Not only does this someone have every corner of my heart, but he actually wants to be with me! He loves me for more then others have before.... He talks with me about my dreams for the future with the same passion he speaks of his dreams with. He says he loves everything from my every changing hair, to my "special foot".. he loves being around me when I am happy, yet still wants to hold me when I am not. He is strong and hard headed... He doesn't let me get away with shit. He calls me out. He keeps me in check. He puts up with me. He keeps me grounded. He has my heart.

Does he really know how much he means to me? Does he feel the excitement and unexplainable joy that comes with every communication encounter? Does he realize how much power he has in the palm of his hand?

No matter what the past/present/ future situations bring there are somethings I cant help but feel. (in no order)... Love, passion, jealousy, stress, excitement, longing, trust, faith, fear, butterflies, devotion, friendship, delight, respect, envy, confidence, dependence, independence, protection, expectations, anxiety, and many more.

However one feeling not felt by me is doubt.

Doubt: lack of faith, conviction; questioning.

Doubt is one emotion that has escaped me... The question is, How do I remind you that I have no doubt , no questions about it? You say I need not doubt our relationship.... The one thing I escape from doing... Just because I love communicating with someone important to me doesn't imply I have a lack of faith or trust. It simply means I have something that makes me incredibly happy right in my grasp, yet not in my control.

I never want to hinder his experiences, yet how do I relay that I enjoy hearing every detail. Since I do not have the opportunity to spend 5 months in spain, I love to experience your amazing adventure from here. Never to check up, never to bug, never to annoy, but to share.

Sharing helps relationships grow. Sharing everything from dreams, fears, and secrets to a box of Mickey Dees chicken nuggets and a diet coke in the middle of the night.

For me to invite someone into my heart on this level is a compliment. It is the only present I have to give. Before last May I avoided every relationship with the most outrageous excuses, I was nervous to let someone in who I felt had no intentions of keeping my heart whole.

You allowed me to change my outlook on relationships, for the better. I am grateful.

I am Laura Deee. I am in love and emotional. I do stupid things, and say crazy things.. I am unique, quirky, and hard headed....

........ my only explanation is that I am head over heals for a guy...

(explanation, NOT excuse)