look beyond the mirror

lets take a minute and put away the obvious.. and take a closer look at a different page for a night.

how can you expect something that you dont give. as i am learning in my current hdfs class... before you can expect respect from anyone, you must show you are worthy to receive it .. you do this.. by giving it.....
take this one step further to love, friendships... and i am not even talking about romantic relationships right this moment.

take a friendship.. in its simplest form.... how can you expect something with no intentions to return it... how do you expect someone to go out of their way for you.. when you only have the soul interest of making them unhappy in the long run. just like you tell me "you cant be in a one sided relationship".... well you know what... i am learning i cannot be in a one sided friendship either.

some people are saying that this semester is going to open my eyes about my long distance relationship... but hey you know what it is truly doing.. opening my eyes to those other relationships i should remove myself from. yes i may not have the time, effort or energy to handle this long distance relationship the most effective way.. but hey guess what!! you are doing the same fucking thing.. and you know what.. it is worse coming from you. maybe you should take a moment and get your nose out of my business and focus on our business.

yes i agree we all have moments/days when the world revolves around us.. i am not denying that... however in order to have the privilege of acting that way and not coming off as a bitch... you have to remember.. you are not the only one this planet. you are not the only one with bad days.. and you know what else.. you are not the only one with good days. its not that hard to be happy for someone who is "your best friend"... it really doesnt take much effort....

i am realizing i have been walked over way too many times in my life.. and not just by boys... but by friends that i really thought i could count on.. but when it came down to the nitty gritty... those certain friends only had THEIR interest in mind... that is not a friend. i am done going out of my way for some people... believe you me there are a few people in my life that i would lay down in front of a bus for... and those are the relationships i want to surround myself with..

it boggles my mind how someone can be so selfish.. so self involved... so rude... everyone has their day... but i refuse to just be around for your enjoyment at times when only you deem reasonable.

however these situations in my life have given me the privilege of building relationships with those who really care. even those who i least expected. this semester has opened my eyes to friendships i didnt even realize where there.. those 2 girls who run up to me in the sub arms flying just to give me a hug because they know how much i love seeing them.. and now matter how crazy i get they STILL somehow manage to wanna hear about it. or coworkers. or that girl who is probably my long lost sister who lets me talk as much as i listen, the same girl who no matter how pissed we are at the world at that moment.. still makes me smile. or developing friendships with that one person who will listen intently to you vent and vent and somehow manage to convince me that i am only semi crazy. a snow bank. the best friend who is 500 miles away.... who i would kill to have up here at this moment... or that crazy girl who manages to pop in at the perfect time to put a smile on my face... what about that girl who i hardly knew who somehow i am counting down the days till i see her again.. or possibly the most important relationship... my sister... i cant get over how amazing it is to have someone like that around me.

this blog is more then just a high school girl feeling left out. this is about realizing what is really important in my life.

i am doing some much needed cleaning out with my life.... i have let people go in my life that i really shouldnt of... i have also kept people around that just brought me down.

i am not saying i am perfect in any way shape or form. i am saying there are two sides to every coin... yes i appreciate honest opinions, and i understand there will be disagreements.... yet at least i understand my schedule and agenda is not the only one in the world. i know what it means to sacrifice. i just need to learn who to sacrifice for.

a cluttered mind

this weather is not so wonderful. it is cold damp and dreary.... not going to bring down my excitement about tomorrow.. its MY time... i get actual experience with the one thing that brings me ultimate joy.. my passion. MINE. i am not only looking forward to everything i actually get to teach the students i will be working with, but i am so anxious to see what they have to teach me as well. how i interact with them will shape the type of teacher i will be. i am so lucky to not only have the age group i have the most interest in, but i am also going to be at my dream location.

its these peeks in my schedule that continue to push my drive. yes this semester is on the verge of getting away from me, but i know i have the power to do everything to my best ability. every day i get more stuff piled on at work i love it more and more. i look forward to the interactions and surprises tomorrow brings. on top of that im tackling 19 hours of class... including labs and field placement.

this semester is opening my eyes. not only to the obvious situations but to the hidden ones as well... different sides of people begin to show under these conditions. the people you least expected to shine are the ones who pull out the best in you, and the ones you were looking forward to counting on may lead you with faulty hope. not only is this semester a very important one, its also priming me for what is to come... a summer full of my responsibilities and the entire roc's hard work.... my senior year of theta recruitment, a fall semester of block 3 and lab 2, separating different relationships and preparations to start a new chapter of my life... january 2011 is make it time. that is in the future, i need to focus on tomorrow and what the short term holds to build the solid foundation i need to start my career on.
the relationship aspect is not what you may be thinking (however that hopefully will work itself out) its relationships with those who are close to you, those who appreciate being close to you, and those who will never admit to anything. those who strive to be there for you because you are there for them, those who love to talk and love to listen, and those who dont really understand. my doors are opening to many new relationships, i have the privilege of working with 2 other co-directors, i truly enjoy working with them and look forward to the summer ahead of us. i have been blessed to have a new roommate move into my house who understands me on a totally new level, and whom i enjoy coming home to.

these next months are going to be swamping though... hopefully if the weather clears up directors road trip to work on secret mission stuff tomorrow afternoon! preparing for group process for all of the applicants, planning a valentines day for someone 5140 miles away from me, two weeks of RRO interviews, going to kansas city for a NODA directors conference, then the roc retreat, and 5 days after the retreat i am heading to spain for a lovely spanish vacation!

i am stoked about tomorrow.. but you know me... ill be up all night thinking about it.
wish me luck